Knock Knock

Who's there?

God.

God Who?

How does today's Gospel about praying always without becoming weary relate to parable about the judge in the town and widow demanding a just decision? My pastor suggests that it is us who is the judge and God who is the widow. If we are the judge who does not care for others and only gives the widow due attention to get her off his back, what does that say about us and our attention to God? God is always, always there, knocking, showing, loving, moving in our lives. Just the thought of this makes me weary, let alone praying without becoming weary. How can I pray always and stay in His light? The only way I know how is to see everything as God's. OK, I need to think on this a minute. Discuss amongst yourselves.....

Nexavar Part Deux

To re-cap, I started the Nexavar as THE treatment for my thyroid cancer that's now taken up residence on my lungs, and is making itself at home. It made my blood pressure skyrocket to dangerous levels, so I stopped the drug to get the bp in check.

Now, a couple weeks later, my bp is back to my normal level, which is around 116 over 65. No wonder I have felt great over the last week or so. Normal me, normal energy - got lots done.

My oncologist, who is proving herself more and more irrelevant, suggested that I inch back on the Nexavar, and have my internist monitor my bp, as she put it, "I don't monitor blood pressure and I wouldn't know what to prescribe." Start with one pill, if that goes well, go to two, and make my way up to the four a day that equals a full dose. After seeing my internist yesterday, he and I decided that I would start the Nexavar at one a day, and get blood work done next week, then check in to see how things are going. We agreed that maybe both of us should become oncologists, as we are taking charge of my care. He then affirmed that it's time for me to get a new cancer doc. His recommendation: his wife's oncologist who happens to be in the same medical group I'm in. I figure if this new doc is good enough for his wife, she's good enough for me, but I forgot to ask him if he likes his wife!

So far, 12 hours into Part Deux no headache, which is was what tipped me off that the bp was high. Keeping fingers crossed.....

Creating Space

In my quest to understand and navigate this blessed, but oh so challenging world, I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open and be, as a favorite author, Kathleen Norris describes detachment: being at peace with the reality that is.

Part of being at peace, for me is in something that Thich Nhat Hanh teaches about creating space. The flower, as he puts it, needs space to show it’s beauty, and like the flower, we need to create space to allow ourselves to be more aware.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit. Creating space is not as hard for me because I can see it; clear things out and create more physical space. I like this. Yet, for the interior space (which I think Thich is really speaking about) is more of a challenge. Letting go of the notions and “stuff” that hang around for no good reason other than to provide fodder for my own internal torture would seem easier than it is proving to be. Being at peace with the reality that is, is a wonderful step in this process. This, I can do. More or less. To really be at peace, to be detached, makes way for space that allows us to be aware. And awareness is good, right?

Solidarity

The new, pink look on the blog is a nod to all the sisters out there living with, or in someway touched by breast cancer. If you haven't seen the Pink Glove Dance or the sequel, have a look - it's inspiring. And so hopeful!

pinkglovedance.com

So let's all stand in solidarity to support the effort to cure, and those touch by, this too common disease. Because we are a community after all, and are we not here to take care of each other?

The Power of Friendship

If we are asked the complete this phrase: the power of _____, we would probably insert the word love. Indeed, there is no other like the power of love. Yet, I am witness to friendships, many - well, not many, but I have friends, and long, long friendships. Friendships that have lasted longer than my marriage, longer than anywhere I have lived. There is a strength and beauty to friendship, and there is a power to friendship, just like there is a power to love. And yes, friendship is a type of love, so we aren't talking apple and oranges here. I'm not trying to reproduce Aristotle, just noticing things.

On Sunday at the blessing, the immediate and powerful blessing was to be in the presence of friends, as I said, that have known me forever and love me anyway. The intent of this type of friendship is living witness to God's love in the world. We share acceptance, laughs, understanding, good will, and intention. When these friends lay hands on me for the anointing it was powerful. As friends, they stand with me and I with them. We choose each other, and wish well for each other.

I am immensely grateful for my friends. As I think, I can list in my mind, a number of people with whom I share friendship. I love my friends. And if the power of love is unstoppable, the power of friendship is a turbo boost to love. Laughter, kindness, sharp wit, quirkiness, compassion, intelligence, and a levity in taking oneself seriously are the common denominators in my friends. From the Philippines, to Portland, Joliet, to St. Paul, McLean, Camino, Cameron Park, and all points in the greater Bay Area, my friends are there. A bit of me is in them, and a bit of them is in me. For that, I am fortified, and very, very grateful.

Go Deep

During the anointing on Sunday Michael said more than once to go deep during this rite. In describing the rite, the process, the meaning, he said to go deep. When he laid hands on my head, and everyone put their hands on me was the time to really go deep within myself, with all the expectation and faith of healing and anointing.

How does one do that? Go deep within one’s self? In my former athletic life as a rower, we always had to dig deep, find that last place within us that the strength to keep going. As I sat in this peaceful living room I wondered if I could really go as far as I needed to go. Physical limits are what they are, but spiritual and psychological limits? Do they exist? When everyone’s hands were upon me, I started seeing this bottomless well of life and love. How accessible is it to me if I have things in the way - my own baggage, faults, sins, and frailties? The forgiveness of sins was already done by God just a moment before, but let’s not forget our own forgiveness of our sins and how we get in our own way. As I sat there letting my own “stuff” get out of the way, I felt the warmth of the hands upon me, the intimate, loving embrace of other’s intentions on mine. And in that moment the heat, the fire of the Holy Spirit, was in their hands and I was warm and free. Touched by God, literally, through Her children who were there. With me.

It makes me think of the balance of our days where going deep is not what we do, and it’s not expected. If we thought to do it, can we let our own baggage out of the way? Somewhat on automatic pilot as we navigate our days, taking the chores, the people, the issues of our days on a superficial level. Ought we not try to go deep, and do it more often? What would happen if we did?